Whenever I travel by air, I always have this insecure moment where I just know it will be my last flight ever. Usually, I have somebody in whom I confide a few secrets; always revealing a bit more of myself he or she previously never knew about me, secretly wanting to preserve a bit more of myself should I happen to perish.
Additionally, I leave them with valuable information as to what they should do with certain belongings or something I meant to tell people in my life. Typically, said person finds my ritual to be prosaic if not a bit morbid and they usually lose interest, as indicated by their sighs and/or glares.
As circumstances would have it, I had some rather good news, and I am taking a flight on Thursday with a return trip on Friday. Since I have had a rather helter skelter year in terms of my interpersonal relationships, there is nobody to listen to my paranoid speech about how I may not live to see the weekend. So, I thought I would write about a few things that move me, entertain me, make me smile, and are important to me.
I have to preface this by saying I do not believe I possess some special psychic powers to see into the future where I see a plane plunging to the earth; this is simply something I do every time I take an airplane trip. It can become quite ludicrous at times, as I love to travel, and there have been some years where I have flown quite often; still, it’s me, so I have learned to accept it, flaws and all.
***
As much as I have written about how my children do not speak to me, I love them with all my heart; if I could give them a different mother wrapped up in a big red ribbon for Christmas, I would give her to them. They would surely deserve her. I don’t suppose they have done anything spectacular or out of the ordinary; in fact, at times they have been quite rude to me. Though, as has been pointed out to me many times, they didn’t ask to be born. I love them and they deserve the best; if there is a mom out there willing to give it to them, they should have her.
***
Speaking of love, I dearly love the rest of the family; regardless of their current ability to reach out and communicate with me. It is what it is with our family; no further explanation in a family where we were taught to keep secrets, where somebody was always “out” or nobody was “in”.
***
I have a blue Eeyore blanket that I have taken with me on every flight, to every surgery (15 of them) for the last 12 years or so; I sleep with it every night. It is a plush baby blanket with suede like material on one side and a furry type material on the other side; the Disney Store had it for $75 and one year I bought it for myself for Christmas on clearance for $30. It still looks almost new even though it has been washed countless times; once, during a pre-op needle stick, the nurse stuck me in the wrong place and blood soaked the blanket. A little peroxide and it came out perfectly clean.
I am leaving the blanket behind this time, for some reason it just feels like the right thing to do. I am travelling alone and it is a business trip, too much stuff to carry, I suppose. It will be the first time.
***
There is a little song I knew when I was in grade school, I used to sing it to my girls, and it goes like this:
“I’m an acorn small and round lying on the cold, cold ground,
I’m a nut (click click click), I’m a nut (click click click);
Called myself on the phone just to see if I was home,
I’m a nut (click click click), I’m a nut (click click click);
Asked myself for a date, picked me up at half past eight,
I’m a nut (click click click), I’m a nut (click click click);
Took myself to a show, sat down in the very back row,
I’m a nut (click click click), I’m a nut (click click click);
Put my arms around my waist, got so fresh I smacked my face,
I’m a nut (click click click), I’m a nut (click click click).”
When you see the “clicks”, that is the clicking of your tongue, you don’t actually say “click”.
***
Many people who know me think I am flat; they have rarely seen me smile, and have never seen me laugh. It is all a façade; I feel everything, I love deeply, I have been scarred and scared. I put up the thickest shield I could so as to be impervious to any further pain; it doesn’t work. I am hurt daily, but nobody knows.
***
There is a man I love more than I have ever allowed myself to ever love; it took me eight years to let him in; I almost lost him because my heart was locked. I have not seen him since April, but I’m going home in less than two weeks. I have left him a journal on a memory stick in the room I have been staying in, it is on an Eeyore keychain; I would want him to have it, and my Eeyore blanket.
***
I miss my dad; I didn’t have a good relationship with him and he didn’t really like me, but there are times I would like to see him, to talk to him. I would like him to be proud of me.
***
I love the song, “For Crying Out Loud” by Meatloaf. The words bring me to tears every time I listen to it; even though it always feels like the end of a love story to me, like a tragedy, I love to hear it. Maybe that’s why, I need it when I need or want to cry. It feels like an aged love; I feel as if it is about finding love when you need it most.
***
I could go on, but I only wanted to open an envelope in my Pandora’s Box, not empty the entire contents tonight.
