Regarding Suicide

I read a blog the other day about suicide that really struck a deep chord with me, as I feel like I could have written it on countless different occasions and with so many varied outcomes depending on the day.  For a few days I have kept the thoughts in the back of my


mind trying to ignore what I was thinking and not write about it, letting the fact that I “reblogged” the article and that I commented on the original blog be the only acknowledgement that I thought about it ever in my life.  However, it has been gnawing at me every time I have a few minutes alone; like a flashing neon sign, blinking “S-U-I-C-I-D-E”… it just keeps popping into my mind like pink and green lights.  I feel compelled to write something, to dedicate at least a little space, a mere 500 words to the subject.

Suicide, or at least the attempt at suicide, is an old friend to me, and has been for almost as long as I can remember.  My first attempt was when I had stolen some codeine laced pills from my mother’s friend at 13 and had downed all of them at school and had collapsed in the hallway.  When I was taken to the counselor’s office and slept it off all afternoon, I was able to talk my way out of the situation as being exhausted from going to modeling school at night and being out late as well as eating next to nothing; both true statements, but I simply omitted the part about taking the overdose of pills along with the rest.

The next legitimate attempt that I recall was when I was 18 and I was at home and took as many sleeping pills as I could swallow without throwing them up.  I then drove to a friend’s house, although I do not remember the drive, but I showed up there.  She spent the rest of the night forcing me to throw up and making me drink coffee, all the time threatening to call the police if I were to go to sleep.  I remember that we were not really friends after that night, not that we were very good friends before that, and I cannot even remember why I would have gone to her house in the first place other than I had nowhere else to go that evening and I remember not wanting to die alone.

For years after that, there were so many attempts with both over the counter and prescription drugs that I could not even begin to identify each time; sometimes I was alone, in fact, most times I was alone.

I noticed that things took a dangerous turn for me when I started to have a difficult time sleeping if I was not fantasizing about committing suicide.  I would think about overdosing, hanging myself, sitting in a car in the garage with the car running, parking on the railroad tracks, driving off of a cliff, walking into the ocean… there were more fantasies than I can remember.

As I would get deeper and deeper into my fantasy life about suicide, I would not live during my waking moments.  I thought I had nothing to live for, and in a way, I was living a self-fulfilling prophecy.  I lived with a man who had always been the love of my life, but I did not treat him that way. He would come home from work and I would barely acknowledge him, often barely even getting off of the couch or out of bed to greet him.

Several times he came home from work to find me unconscious from an overdose of pills, rope wrapped around my neck, sometimes with a plastic bag barely covering my face.  Eventually, he tired of my behavior and left me.  I had finally broken him, exactly what I had feared all along that I would do from the day I had met him… I knew I was never good enough for him and I had finally proven myself right.  My first thoughts were, I wish he had let me die one of those times instead of revived me every time.

Well, it has been at least two years since my last attempt, and while I still struggle with the depression at times, I no longer soothe myself to sleep with fantasies of suicide.  I now have fantasies of how perfect my life is going to be when I get to return to him, as he has opted to give me a second chance… I feel like the luckiest girl alive.  I want to live.  I choose to live.  I choose life.

9 thoughts on “Regarding Suicide

      • I understand. I have a good friend who is sub and she had gone through a difficult past, including attempted suicide and self harming. At times I wished she could just get a glimpse of how beautiful she really was to everyone. She is coming through it all now and life can get better as you have discovered.

      • It is not easy. I went through a very long bout of therapy, prescription drugs, and have had very bad interpersonal relationships. It takes daily self reflection just for me to get through life… and if I think about life as a whole, I will never make it. However, I take it one step at a time and simply day by day. It is all I can do…

        I wish your friend the best of luck.


  1. I thank God for the two years and pray for many more for you… You are an amazing writer and I too, see forward and find a time when you are at a book signing or on a wedding day with another man that God has seen fit to save for you … someday… not the one you talk about who has broken you but after YOU have been built back up not by a man… but by the power inside of you…. because no one can make us truly happy by our own rights… and you my dear have many… and someday I have no doubt that you will be in a happy moment…. more than you ever dreamt of…. and you will think to yourself, :What if I had chosen suicide… I would never be experienicing this… and then another happy moment…will happen again, so happy that you can’t even imagine it now… and someday they will happen more and more often until you realize that you have to go through some of the really bad times to get to the great ones and you wouldn’t want to have missed any of it because your journey will someday help others. I know. Believe me, I just do.
    I was where you are a thousand times… and as I see in your writings… even about suicide, you are beginning to see the light. My book is about girls like us… who finally figure out WE are in charge of our own lives… WE don’t need to give the power to some dumb guy who doesn’t GET us. There are plenty of great ones out there that will… but in the end… it is about us finding our own “HAPPY” and being okay in our own skin… all alone with God and then … finding it outsdide of ourselves over and over again.. through friends and life and someday… a great guy and kids and life… all good and bad… but being strong enough to always get through it all.
    YOU my dear, are a great writer… and as I have said before, I see a story in your life… a great one that is going to help so many others… you don’t even know!
    Yaaay for the two years!!!! Praying for 50 more!

    • Thank you for your kind and wonderful comments as always. Yes, celebrating two years is wonderful… and I try not to take even one day for granted, as I know that each day is precious now. I hope that I have many celebrations to come, many years with an incredible man, many holidays, many birthdays… and that I can look back on that dark period and not look back on it as a “fantasy” of any type.

      Life should not be so hard, but for some of us, it truly is.

      Thank you for sharing this part of my journey.


  2. I know, I know, I am not supposed to be here… I am finishing my book right now and trying to not be on this blog till I am publisher ready… and yet all the blogs that I follow still pop up as you guys write them.. and I had to come and see what my favorite little flat girl wrote today… and then had to comment!!!!
    Have a GREAT weekend!

  3. I’ve made it back to November 1st! So much better than the book I’m trying to read this blog is, your writing is, that you are. There is great consistency of tone and quality of style. These entries and their dates would make a wonderful book one day, unchanged.

    I hope you realize how inspiring and consciousness raising this blog is. There are times when I see myself, others when I don’t but remember people from my past, always there is stark and refreshing honesty. I so want there to be a happy ending, that The Flat Girl live happily ever after.

    There will always be better and worse things that come in our lives, and they will cluster. The most unlikely thing by pure chance would be for all the good and bad things to evenly space out. When it rains it pours, statistically, overall, it must.

    An author has a responsibility to her readers. You are not at all alone. I . . . we, invest much time following you and we develop certain expectations. We have rights and demands. No matter how long it takes, no matter how many millions of words we must read as you stumble and fall and get up again, we will have our happy ending and you will provide it.

    • As always, Sir, your words never fail to inspire me…

      You inspire me to continue to write. If not to provide that happy ending, then to continue growing and eventually find one.

      I think you (and I) will both be surprised…


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