Saying Goodbye to my Mom

My mother came up on Saturday for her usual weekly trip to take me to get supplies and to check on me while I house-sit my sister’s remote mountain home.  Usually these visits are filled with lectures about how I need to get my life together, how I should move on from my current significant other and stories about my children that leave me feeling like I have been a horrible mother.

This week started out a little different, as I was quite lonely; she had not been up in two weeks because she had been tending to another sister earlier in the week.  So, I was happy to see her on Saturday, and she would be leaving on Sunday instead of staying the usual two or three days.  As soon as she arrived, we immediately headed to town for groceries, and the lecturing started.  What was I doing with my life, what was going on with my significant other, when was I going to move on… I was feeling sick and dizzy.

Then, the stories about how she had seen my children and grandchildren started, and my heart sunk.  I love them with all my heart, but the fact that they will not see me is out of my control

Tear Drops

Tear Drops (Photo credit: Christina Matheson)

now.  I have asked her not to talk to me about them, but my requests fall on deaf ears, so the ear spanking continued all the way to the grocery store, about 30 minutes.  By the time we got there, I was emotionally drained.

We spent the evening eating frozen pizza, playing cards, I did my best trying to change the subject from my pitiful life but somehow we always returned.  So it goes, so it goes.

Sunday morning, we went to do laundry, walk around the old cemetery as we waited for it to cycle through, then came back to the house.  We wrapped up a few things that we needed to complete around here before she had to leave, then it suddenly struck me, my sister would be here on this coming Saturday to clean out the rest of the house since it has been sold.  I would be leaving with here.  Then I would be going back to Texas with him in two months.

I have no idea when I would get to see my mother again.  As dysfunctional and strained as our mother daughter relationship is, it is still a connection of sorts, she is still my mother, and I still love her.  I started to cry as we hugged goodbye.  She actually had a moment of lucidity as she told me not to worry about my children, that they would come around some day and realize that I am not such a bad mother.

I cried all afternoon as I thought about missing my mother.